Yes, that’s right. May is Zombie Awareness Month. I’m not sure if this is a holy month for the undead, or if we are meant to use this time to honour them, but either way I have compiled this handy guide to help you survive the month of May.
First a list of recent zombie attacks and sightings:
Mayan Civilization – 10th Century A.D.
Roanoke Colony, North Carolina – 1590
Ecuadorian Amazon – Date Unknown
Ancient Rome – 3rd Century A.D.
Cargo Ship, The Mary Celeste – 1872
Chaco Canyon, New Mexico – 13th Century A.D.
York, England – 1st Century A.D.
Hmmm…doesn’t really seem like a pressing threat but the unknown date of that Ecuadorian Amazon attack makes me a little nervous. Also, who knows how many of these attacks go unreported? Now, even if you don’t live in a high risk zone, you should still be prepared, just in case. Here are some tips for handling yourself when confronted with zombies –
–Know your enemy – the more you know the better prepared you will be to defend yourself. Helpful resources include The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead and World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War both by Max Brooks an (apparent) leader in the field of zombie research.
–Prepare yourself – ditch those that might slow you down and wear comfortable shoes that allow you to run long distances.
–Zombies have a flair for the dramatic – if you have ever watched a horror movie with some sorority girl hiding from the masked murderer in a closet with no chance of escape take note – you are the sorority girl in this scenario. Do your best to avoid dead ends, enclosed spaces and anywhere with flickering overhead lighting.
– Head to WalMart – big box stores offer many helpful resources like guns, ammunition, food and other basic needs. Always a good place to head to at the first sign of a zombie invasion.
– A kill shot to the brain – while a bullet will do it a screwdriver through the temple is more creative and sends a message that you aren’t messing around.
I hope this guide proves to be a useful resource for those of you facing the inevitable zombie apocalypse. I myself have never seen a zombie but I do imagine that if I came across one it would have a soulless expression, dead eyes, it would speak (grunt?) in a robotic monotone voice and show no concern for even the most vulnerable of society. Wait…on second thought maybe I have seen a zombie…