Lessons from Bachelor In Paradise

Okay, so I don’t really watch The Bachelor. I think its pathetic, exploitative, and I just cannot bear to hear 22-year-old waitress/models complain about being single. I have seen a few seasons because we used to watch it at Judgy Monday, but unless I am with a group of people actively mocking the show it just seems sad. With that being said I somehow got talked into watching Bachelor In Paradise.

Bachelor In Paradise

For those not familiar, it’s  essentially sexual musical chairs. Each week couples go on dates and at the end of the week one gender gives out roses to the other gender (it switches each week). The catch is that there are not enough roses for all the men or women and those left without a rose in their hand are sent home. Obviously this breeds panic as the week progresses and certain people couple off while others are left unattached. This panic is exacerbated when new singles show up throughout the week and throw the numbers off again. Basically, it’s a hot mess. And yes, it is still exploitative and pathetic, but at least in this iteration of the series some of the cast members seem in on the joke. They say they are there for love, but seem aware that they may not find love but at least they will be on tv! Also – for those left wondering, most of these singles know each other well before the filming begins. The bachelor casts are notorious for hooking up with one another at wrap parties, social mixers and other engagements, so if they do find love (or herpes) with one another, it had nothing to do with the show you are currently watching.

Anyway, last night I was that crazy girl yelling at my TV while watching Bachelor in Paradise. I want to shake these girls! They are SO stupid. At first I thought, “huh, maybe these are just the craziest girls they could find” but then I realized that they are not that different from some (one specific) girls I know in real life. Then I got angry at the Bachelor producers for perpetuating certain lies girls believe as truth. Let’s review some of these…

  • Following a guy on Instagram (or Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, etc.) is not the same as dating him.
  • Telling a guy you want him to meet your family before you have had your first date is going to weird a guy out. Actually, it’s going to terrify him
  • Sleeping with a guy does not make him your boyfriend. Even if you let him do really, really dirty stuff to you. You may wake up thinking, “awesome! That secures our relationship!” but he wakes up thinking, “awesome! I barely had to talk her into any of that!”
  • Eyelash extensions just accentuate crazy eyes.
  • A man is not your silver lining, your rainbow or your solution. If all it takes to change your life is a boyfriend, you need therapy, not sex.
  • Sure, you may only have one arm and feel lost in a sea of pretty, seemingly perfect girls but we all feel insecure and not good enough. Keep in mind, it’s better to be sane than pretty (and for the record, Sarah is beautiful, regardless of how many arms she has)
  • Sequined string bikinis – in case being almost naked isn’t getting you the attention you want.

See? With a bit of effort we can even find some education in The Bachelor! I wish I could tell you that I wont be tuning in next week, but it’s a “groundbreaking two night Bachelor event of the season!” Advertisements have promised me that I “wont want to miss the most dramatic night in Bachelor history”. How can I resist?

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